If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
