Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
