just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
