I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
