so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
