My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He? As in you personified your dick?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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