well I can't set my house on fire every night
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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