Cold hands, warm shart.
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
