I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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