i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
zippers are such a cool invention
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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