I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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