thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Randomize
