Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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