I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
