OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
