I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
