Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
