I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
