I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
