filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
