Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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