just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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