his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
