im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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