In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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