I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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