Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Porn is love you can see.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
