If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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