I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
