You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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