Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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