evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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