I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
