What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
