I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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