I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
