we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
