You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
