A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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