i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
