I will die if light touches me.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
