Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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