somebody snuck up and got me drunk
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
