Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
