i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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