hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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