i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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