what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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