He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
