When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
